Marbella to Humour Buffalo

A call to arms. From Fred at Forbes:
Another reason why science in Marbella rocks.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed off first.
This natural selection is actually good for the herd as the speed and general health of the whole is maintained, even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain operates only at the speed of it's weakest cells. Epidemiological studies have demonstrated that while the excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest brain cells first. And that the regular consumption of beer or wine can help eliminate the weaker cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient thinking machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between weekend parties and job related performance. Answering why that after leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the Intellectual agility of university graduates. And that only those few who had stuck to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption had any chance of maintaining the intellectual levels also enjoyed during university years.

Therefore: Get back to your bar. Quaff that pint. Your Company and Country need you at your peak.

The Challenge of Subordination. From Bluebird
1.	Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2.	If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me of every move..
3.	Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4.	If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function without arms as this will help should I ever be injured and lose the use of my limbs.
5.	If you give me many job's to do, don't tell me which is the prior. I am psychic.
6.	Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and honestly have nowhere else to go nor anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7.	If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Should it get out, it could mean promotion.
8.	If you don't like my work, tell everyone. It is good this should happen, least no one speak of me at all. I was born to be whipped.
9.	If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10.	Never introduce me to the people we're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.
11.	Tell me all your little problems. I have none of my own and need to share yours. I especially like the story about having to pay so much tax on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12.	Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Without thought you could even give me a mediocre performance rating for my time with you and reward me with a cost of living salary increase. After all, I'm not here for the money.

Six from Yug.

Hijacking.
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit", he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit", she replied. "Oh...good", he said, and sat down again.

Bank Robbery.
In August 1975 three Bank robbers entered the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay and got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the bank staff and after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they burst back in and announced their intention of robbing the bank, demanding 5,000 pounds in cash. Convinced that it was a practical joke the whole bank laughed at them. One of the men jumped over the counter and fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two made their getaway but again got trapped in the revolving doors.

Lost Homing Pigeon.
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.

Army Animal Rescue.
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency fire fighting and on 14 January were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree. They arrived with great haste and soon dis-charged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells, they ran over the cat.

Speed Traps.
A police officer had the perfect hiding place for watching 'speeders' but couldn't understand why he wasn't catching anyone. After a few say's the officer found out why. A 10 year old boy was standing 200 meters up the road, on the side with a huge hand painted sign which said, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".
A little more investigation led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 200 meters after the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of change at his feet.

A Good Scare.
Hungarian, Jake Fen, hit on the novel idea of how he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare. He built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

The drive of the Westies. From ChocBro.
A well known Formula One motor racing team recently fired their regular pit crew to employ a handful of young guys from West Auckland. An interesting place where people wear designer attitude T-shirts and call pet Boa Constrictor's, 'Killer'

This remarkable decision was due in part to a recent documentary about 'West Aucklanders' and how incredibly teams of them were able to remove all four tires of a car in under 6 seconds.
What impressed the Race Team Owner was that these 'Westies' could perform at night, without proper equipment and in many cases while the car was still in motion.

Under racing conditions the Aucklanders broke all records with their lightning quick, 6 second pit stops. Unfortunately the Formula One Team's delight soon crashed as 12 seconds later the boys had also resprayed the car and sold it to an opposition motor racing Team.

Five questions most feared by men: From Stephen.
What makes these questions so tricky is that If the man answers incorrectly,
(i.e.,tells the truth) he will be bombarded by arguement.
Therefore, as a service, each question has been analysed and answered,
along with possible incorrect responses.

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than I am?
5. What would you do if I died?

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response bears no resemblance to the true answers, which are:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you are.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,
"If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is always: "YES!"
or, if you feel a more detailed answer is appropriate, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Some incorrect answers to this are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than I am? Once again, an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.

No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions. Usually along the following lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look)
MAN: (audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Bugger...

Marbella to Buffalo. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.