Marbella to Humour Mr Frog

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender turns to the grasshopper and says
" Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds, "Why do you have a drink called Nigel?"

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....
the other is used to carry groceries.

The Webmasters Frog. From Roberts.
A webmaster was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The webmaster took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the webmaster took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog pleaded,
"What is the matter? I`ve told you, I`m a beautiful princess and I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?" The webmaster answered,
"Look I`m an webmaster. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool.

FLIGHT 101. From Yug.
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye be looking at how short dat der runway is".
"You wouldn't be kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest O' landings you're ever gonna be seeing" said Paddy.
"Aye you're not wrong there, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I'll be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
They approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus,
"Dat der has gotta be de shortest runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied,
"Aye Paddy, but would ye be looking at how wide it is".

Medical Dictionary. From JD.
ARTERY; the study of paintings
BACTERIA: the back door of a cafeteria
BARIUM: what doctors do when patients die
BOWEL: a letter like A,E,I,O or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a neighbourhood in Rome
CAURTERISE: make eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: Not a friend
FIBULA: a small lie
IMPOTENT: important, well known
LABOUR PAIN: getting hurt at work
MORBID: a cheaper offer
OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted
PAP SMEAR: a fatherhood test
POST OPERATIVE: a letter delivery man
RECTUM.....and damned killed 'em
SEIZURE: a Roman emporer
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
VARICOSE: nearby
What is the plural of Moth (A) a Myth

Elderly Couple. From Blitz.
An elderly couple were driving cross-country, the woman was driving. They get pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said,
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

The Grad Student. From Cri Cri.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by shouting, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Hidden Settings. From Kiwi.

Math. From Luke.
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife.

Why Men Stand And Pee. From Lee.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability.
So Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"
"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms.


Smile	Cats n' Rats	Iron us	Bubs	1890 - 1990
From Pat	From Oli	From Yug	From Dave	From Maria


Boom	Where's Viagra	Checkedmate	Beware the Dog	Bull going nuts
From Blitz	From Cri Cri	From Ross	From Tolo	From Tolo


Early Transport	Cars	The Lift	Low Blow	Fork Lift
From Tolo	From Sally	From Dink	From Dave	From Dee


"Ed...wake up!"	Chicken to go	Lesbian Fair	1st Woman	La Lengua
From Lee	From Holt	From Quic	From Sue	From Al

Marbella to Mr Frog. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.