Marbella to Humour the Perfect Day

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Nude Skydiving. From Dave.

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Grandma. From Blimp.

Jogging. From JDR.
1.It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one more minute to your life.This enables you at 95 years of age to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2.My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60.She's now 97 & we don't where the hell she is.
3.The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4.I joined a health club last year,spent about $400.Hav'nt lost a pound!!Apparantly,you have to show up.
5.I have to excercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
6.I don't excercise at all.If God meant us to touch our toes,he would have put them further up our body.
7.I like long walks,especially when they are taken by other people.
8.I have flabby thighs but fortunately,my stomach covers them.
9.The advantage of excercising every day is that you die healthier.
10.If you are going to try cross country skiing start with a small country.
11.And,last but not least,I don't jog as it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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2000 Olympics. From Mike.
The Aussies may be the last people on earth with enough guts to answer these questions honestly.
Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: From Liz Taylor, perhaps?

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


Cathay Pacific. From Saint.
Once upon a time, there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins. Years past, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned', Mr. & Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them......" Your father & I want to know about your 1st
night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity... you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences". So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered advertisement. Ah! here it is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY".... Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy. A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy. Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months passed. There was still no letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC". Mr. Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically............. ah! here it is!!! Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish it......THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair........... The motto as........................... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP "


No cheating !
The following 4 questions are a quiz designed to discover whether you are qualified to be a professional.

They are really quite simple....so please do not cheat by looking ahead (although the ability & inclination to cheat is a good qualification)

1.HOW DO YOU PUT A GIRAFFE INTO A REFRIGERATOR?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator,put the giraffe in & close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2.HOW DO YOU PUT AN ELEPHANT INTO A REFRIGERATOR?
The WRONG answer is:
Open the refrigerator door,put the elephant in & close the door.

The CORRECT answer is:
Open the refrigerator door,take out the giraffe,put the elephant in & close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3.THE LION KING IS HOSTING AN ANIMAL CONFERENCE.ALL ANIMALS ATTEND EXCEPT ONE.WHICH ONE DOES NOT SHOW UP?

The correct answer is:
The elephant.Remember .....the elephant is still in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK- even if you did not answer the first 3 questions correctly,you still have 1 more chance to demonstrate your ability.

4.THERE IS A RIVER YOU MUST CROSS BUT IT IS INHABITED BY CROCODILES.HOW DO YOU MANAGE IT?

The correct answer is:
You swim across.How can you do that?
Remember......all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's animal conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from you mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide,most professionals tested got all the questions wrong.However, many preschoolers managed several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says that this conclusively DIS-proves that most professionals have the brains of a 4 year old.