Marbella to Humour Europeans

Europeans in Marbella, from Babak
Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to determine just how European you really are...

1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue.What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later then the queue is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomph das bustenholten!"

2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"

3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman passes by. Do you?:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom and then follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.

4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.

5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a.. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.

6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoke Gitane and drink untold litres of wine.

7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit on the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.

8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.

9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.

10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate. Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles, in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole' ole' at the top of your voice waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to all of the above.

Apparently, when we join the EMU, the term "spending a penny" will be replaced by "euronating".

Postcards, with music!
Click on an image then follow the form to send a postcard.

Apparently, when we join the EMU, the term "spending a penny" will be replaced by "euronating".

Kiwis from Paul M
Wiremu, and other rugby fanatics from New Zealand's West Coast, had travelled to England to watch the All Blacks do the inevitable and win the World Cup. Wiremu felt particularly uneasy during the long flight to the UK and not even 2 dozen large Steinlager bottles could put him right. Soon after his Air New Zealand 747 landed at Heathrow, he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good eh?" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness, and that the only cure was 'testicular removal'.
"No bloody way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm getting a second opinion!" The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure, not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said,
"Wiremu, you have altitude sickness".
"What's the cure doc" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Well Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to cut off your balls..".
"Phew, thank god for that!" said Wiremu, "those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test-tickets off me".

Bill from GER
Bill Gates dies in a car accident and finds himself being sized up by God....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
"Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asks.
God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."
So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased.
"This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he tells God.
"Fine," replies God. "As you desire." So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asks Bill.
Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."

Mandarin Airlines from Nigel.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for choosing to fly with Mandarin Airlines.
As we taxi out to the runway please make yourself comfortable and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane please ignore our other, um airliner.

Marbella to Europeans. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.

EMU from Dowlatshahi
What we want in Europe: 1) Swiss salary. 2) Luxembourg taxes. 3) German car. 4) British home. 5) Spanish girls. 6) French wine. 7) Italian food. 8) Belgian beer. 9) Austrian mountains. 10) Danish administration.	And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU: 1) Czech salary. 2) Swedish taxes. 3) Spanish car. 4) Greek home. 5) Irish girls. 6) German wine. 7) British food. 8) French beer. 9) Dutch mountains. 10) Italian administration.