 
"To understand a man is to be a carpenter.
To understand a woman is to be an artist !"
Olympic condoms. From Sprout.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces
to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so
special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver
and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?",she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice
if you came second for a change.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING. From Tall Paul.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're
in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
In Hell. From P Martin.
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing
in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked,
"Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have
a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all
over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean
. ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
"I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
May you live as long as you want and never want
for as long as you live.
LIFE by the DALAI LAMA. From Nicky.
This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium.
All it takes is a few seconds to read and will last you a lifetime.
I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L I F E
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements
involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful
stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love
for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get
it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. |
