Marbella to Humour Firemen

The Little Fireman. From Melanie.
A fireman was working on the fire truck outside the station house in Marbella when he noticed a little boy next door. The little boy had a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He wore a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman asked, "Hey little boy, what are you doing?"
"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" said the little boy.
The fireman walked over and took a closer look.
"Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said.
"Thanks, mister," said the little boy.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the little boy had tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
"Little boy, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
"You're probably right, mister," said the little boy, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Three Ducks. From Kitchen.
A man walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places the ducks on the bar and has a few drinks, chatting with the Bartender.
The Bartender, being experienced, has learned not to ask people about animals brought into the bar and so doesn't mention the ducks. They talk for about 30 minutes then the man with the ducks gets up and goes to the restroom. The ducks sit staring at the bartender, creating an awkward silence. The Bartender decided to make conversation and asked,
"What's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great, lovely day, had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," said the Bartender. He then asked the second duck
"Hi. And what's your name?"
"My name is Dewey."
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great, lovely day, had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance of another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turned to the third duck and said:
"So you must be Louie?"
"No" growls the third duck."My name is Puddles. And DON'T ask about my bloody day, alright?!"

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The Pope and the Seven Dwarfs. From Zeni.
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks,
"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nun in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start to giggle. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back,
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says,"Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?
"I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor and with tears rolling down their cheeks they begin to chant..........."Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Two Nuns. From P Bishop.
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were traveling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumped into the hood of the car and hissed at them through the windshield.
"Quick! said Sister Helen, "Turn on the windshield wipers, that will rid us of the little abomination." Sister Marilyn switched on the wipers, knocking Dracula about but he clung on and continued to hiss at the two nuns.
"Hurry! switch on the windshield washer, I've filled it up with Holy Water from the Vatican." Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer making the Dracula scream in agony as the holy water burnt his skin but he clung on, hissing at them venomously. "Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn?
"For God's sake, show him your cross," said Sister Helen. So Sister Marilyn opened the window and shouted as loud as she could,
"Just you ******* bloody get off our car!"

Click here for a mind reading card trick. From Raj. 73k

Diverse Divinity. From Redpepps.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God,
"Where have you been?" God sighed in satisfaction and proudly pointed down through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth. It is a place of great balance and diversity."
"Diversity?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, pointed to a small land mass and said,
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. Here I have made beautiful lakes, hills and dales. The people of Britain will be modest, intelligent and humorous. They will be found travelling the world and be sociable, hard-working and high-achieving. They will be known as diplomats and makers of peace."
Michael gasped in admiration but then proclaimed,
"But what about diversity, my Lord? What will you make as the extreme opposite of this wonderful place called Britain?"
God smiled and replied wisely,
"Ah my son, wait until you see the what I'm putting next to them in France."

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The Myth. From Kiwi.
A man walks onto an aeroplane and takes his seat. Looking up he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen also boarding the plane. She walks down the aisle and sits in the seat right next to him. Anxious to begin a conversation with the woman the man nervously asks,
"Where are you flying to?"
"To Chicago for the annual Nymphomaniac Convention." said the woman.
The man's senses screamed with excitement! "Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to me," he thought,"and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!
"What do you do at this meeting?" he asked eagerly.
"Well," she said, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he went on desperately.
She explained, "One popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact it is Native American men who have this trait. Also, it is widely believed that Frenchman are the best lovers, when in fact it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting.....," the man responded.
The beautiful woman blushed, then said to the man. "I'm sorry, I do feel a bit awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you. What is your name?"
The man extended his hand and replied,
"Nice to meet you, my name is Running Bear, Running Bear Goldstein."

Women are clever. From GER.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her,
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said,
"That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,
"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

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This is a True Story. From M Manninen.
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very big... and intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind. Surely they knew her hesitation about joining them the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then ... One of the men said,
"Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed: Eddie Murphy Michael Jordan.

The Chicken and the Egg. From Boss.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out.
The egg mutters to no-one in particular "I guess we answered THAT question."

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES. From K Haybittle.
Are you harbouring a fugitive?	Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P	Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man	Dum Gai
Small Horse	Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?	Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table	Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift	Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here	Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed	Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution	Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet	Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone	No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?	Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright	Yu So Dum
I got this for free.	Ai No Pei
I am not guilty	Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer	Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week	Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived	Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight	Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile	Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive	Yu Stin Ki Pu
CHINESE PROVERBS. From L Williams. Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man who drive with no seatbelt going to Bangladesh. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Crowded elevator smells different to midget. Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who break wind in church sit on own pew. Generation Gap. From Dogdave. A young punk rocker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What 're you starin' at old man, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!" Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yes, back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."


Animal cruelty.	I can explain!	First is worst.	Sorry ass!	Hedgehog love.
From Bromells.	From Introna.	From V King.	From Dave.	From M Avery.

66k	56k	87k	28k	34k


Executive.	Happy cactus.	Happy Airlines.	April fools!
From Bromells.	From Introna.	From Ryoo.	From Ryoo.

76k	16k	107k	38k


Free to good home.	If you can read this!	Thinking of men and women.	Aussie Wedding.	Why women shouldn't drink	Home coming.
From Introna.	From Introna.	From M Avery.	From L Reichelt.	From Catchpole.	From Ryoo.

29k	33k	53k	66k	29k	17k

Marbella to Firemen. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.