Marbella to Humour Headaches

A Quality Headache. From Daveodog.

Are the dots black or white?

A good example of, "Yes it is, no it isn't."
No batteries required.

Send it as a postcard.

Eyefood for your head
You think you know, you see
On the brink of sense
Sight seen peripherally.

True story. From Ger.
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But, just before he reentered the lander he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space program.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa, Fla., while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when Neil was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As Neil leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story

The parrot and the burgler. From AJay.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, then picked up a CD player to place in his sack when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, he clicked off his flashlight out and froze.
After a bit he heard nothing more, shaking his head he clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me! Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus"

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men could go through life thinking they had no faults at all

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. it only seems longer.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A bit sexist, but funny...From Dee.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Plane moose. From Jimbo.
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to bag a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied, then at full throttle took off. The plane almost made it but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from behind a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year."

Four Golfers. From Cri Cri.
Four men got together to play a round of golf in Marbella one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three discussed their children while they walked to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, told how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owned a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful that in the last six months he gave a friend a convertible Mercedes as a gift."

The third man bragged that his son worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, "He has become so successful that in the last few weeks he's given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift."

The fourth man arrived at the first tee and the other three smugly told him that they had been discussing how successful their progeny are, and asked him what line his son was in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replied. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, a convertible Mercedes, and a big portfolio of stock certificates."

The Golfer and the Frog. From Cri Cri.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits the ball 10 inches from the cup. Shocked, he says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, huh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The man takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the man says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

They approached the roulette table and the man asked, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies,"Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back from across table.

The man takes his winnings and books the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Up up and away. From Beaut Y.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!

On a particularly windy and bumpy day during the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

TWO NEW ELEMENTS FOR THE PERIODIC TABLE. From Kiwi.

Element: WOMAN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 45 - 80 kg +/-

History:
Discovered simultaneously with the element (Man) XY, millions of years ago.

Form:
Woman is found chiefly in nature and almost always accompanied by large deposits of Man.
Analysis of Venus rock samples obtained during the space missions show a relatively high Wo content.

Properties:
Carbon based. Bulbous, soft and ductile, with pink bits.
Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime.
Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Very active.
Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone.
Able to absorb great amount of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen.
Ages rapidly.

Uses:
Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing element known.

Handling:
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 60 - 130 kg +/-

History:
Discovered simultaneously with the element (Woman) Wo, millions of years ago.

Form:
Because it is more dense than Woman, it is difficult to find pure samples. Hair sprouts from every facet especialy after half-life.

Properties:
Carbon based. Solid at room temperature but gets easily bent out of shape.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time.
Also becomes unstable when exposed to hot air of Woman.
Becomes neutralized and pliable when saturated with alcohol.

Uses:
None really, except methane production.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
NO COMMERCIAL OR TECHNOLOGICAL USE.

Handling:
In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

Times per second man thinks about sex

Joy to those who find fun and hope for those who don't.


Beer!	Inside Homer.	Chicas too.	A night out.
From Kiwi.	From Rdrive.	From Gareth.	From Maria.


Pianist's dilemma.	Body car.	Wall park.	F1 for help!
From Tiger.	From Dee.	From Cri Cri.	From Nigel.


ZZ pup.	EleMac.	Man's best friend.	Noah's rub.
From Gregg.	From Tara J.	From Sue.	From Yug.

Marbella to Headaches. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.