Marbella to Humour the Naughties

If you are reading this then congratulations, you made it past Y2K.
But what do we now call this decade? We were there for the 'Eighties' and then the 'Nineties'.
Are you ready for the 'Naughties?
http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,32769,00.html

Ridge Hall customer care Helpline. From the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packingstuff yourcomputer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes,I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."

The FBI. From Ross.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report that my neighbor, Adrian Thibodeaux, is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descended on Thibodeaux's house and searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They then swore at Adrian Thibodeaux and then left.
Soon after the phone rang at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Quickies. From Paul.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says,
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"I'm going to I have to put him down", says the vet.
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning"
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true," said Daisy, "straight up, no bull!"

Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head", replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"It should come out a treat...." replies the Doc

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of a store when a cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse and gave him a huge kiss right on its rectum. One of the stunned women cried:
"That's disgusting, why did you do that?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?".
"No," said the cowboy, "but it stops me from licking them".

Cowboy and Indians. From Chris.
A tribe of Indians captured a cowboy and brought him back to their camp to meet their chief. The chief tells the cowboy,
"You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
"I want to see my horse." says the cowboy.
The Indians get his horse and the cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on its rump. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, muttering,
"Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"
"I want to see my horse again." replied the cowboy. So the Indians bring him his horse and again the cowboy leans over and whispers something in the horse's ear and slapped it on its rump. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, muttering,
"Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
"I want to see my horse again." Said the cowboy.
The indians bring him his horse and the cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twisting them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

The Good Old Days. From Keable.
Life in the 1500's - This is really interesting (and true!)

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets ... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in thereof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor.

The wealthy had slate floors, which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way. Hence a "thresh hold".

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes...for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer"

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER, $300.

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED --$100

AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer.

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT
CONDITION. $1,000.00 OR BEST OFFER. NO LONGER NEEDED.
GOT MARRIED LAST WEEKEND. WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

The Proposition. From Guy.
A man was enjoying a drink at the bar when an exceptionally gorgeous young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house."

Blonds. From Yug.
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says:
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

School. From Dave.
A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said,
"Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

Christmas. From Ian.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully,
"Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of sticking the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Mouse Revenge. From Dee.

French Mastermind. From Marc.
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

brace yourself...

this is going to hurt...

it's really bad...

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Joy to those who find fun and hope for those who don't.

Marbella to the Naughties. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.