Marbella to Humour Certain Reward

Cheltenham. From my sister, Dee
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
TaDa!

Send a Christmas card.

Software. From R. Vlaho and Keable
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker night 4.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, Joe

-----------
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Chocolates 5.0, Jewelry 4.0 or Romantic Weekend 1.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install ShortSkirtSecretary 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

NECKER CUBE and all the time wasted in deciding which way is up and if it's circles on a cube or a cube on circles.

Animal Park Administrators. From Ed.
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. An examination by the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense but had heaps of ability to chase any skirt.
So, the park administrators approached Ed with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want her to wear protection."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks"

Joy to all who know how to find fun and hope for those who don't.

"The Game". From Nigel.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains,
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

**************************************************************

Another blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
And you thought blondes were dumb!

Three Games.

Click here for a game of Checkers.

Click here for a game of Connect 4.

Click here to download Dopewars.zip

Showering. From GER
How To Shower Like A Woman:
1.Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
2.Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up anything exposed and rush to the bathroom.
3.Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your tum so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4.Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5.Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
6.Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7.Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8.Wash your face with crushed apricot petal facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9.Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake wash.
10.Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes five minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11.Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to wax it later instead.
12.Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13.Turn off shower.
14.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16.Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack any with nails/tweezers.
17.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18.If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up anything exposed and rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:
1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2.Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "wahey" sound.
3.Look at your physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Scratch your nuts and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4.Get in the shower.
5.Don't bother to look for a washcloth.
6.Wash your face.
7.Wash your armpits
8.Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9.Wash your privates and surrounding area, leaving hair on the soap bar.
10.Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
11.Sing.
12.Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13 Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14.Pee (in the shower)
15.Rinse off and get out of the shower and fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16.Partial dry off.
17.Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire your dick.
18.Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19.Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20.Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, wiggle your arse and say "Yeah baby".
21.Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Paradigms. From Ross
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

May your Christmas and New Year always be better than ever!

Clinton. From Al, G
President Bill Clinton visited an elementary school today, and sat in on a class discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy."
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.

Men. From Women
If men ruled the world
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day however would remain exactly the same but would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going? You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Merry Christmas and a Happy new year.

Diplomacy. From Paul
Some time ago the following people became stranded on a beautiful island:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

This is the situation one month later :
* One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Bulgarian men have looked at the endless ocean, taken one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity for fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
* The Irish divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

Irishmen and Lesbians. From P Martin
An Irishman went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the Irishman and asked him,
"Are you a real Irishman?"
"Well, I have spent most of my life in Ireland, digging holes and mending roads ... I guess I am," replied the Irishman.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been to Ireland so I'm not Irish, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower and watch TV, I think of them. Everything around me makes me think of women." Explained the young woman. A short while later she left and the Irishman ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked,
"Are you a real Irishman?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. From Alfred E. Neuman
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!
Send this to a friend; You will brighten up someone's day!

Sent by Fred
By Ralph Waldo Emerson
"To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children,
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends,
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others,
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded!"

Joy to those that find fun and hope for those who don't.

Marbella to Certain Reward. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.