Marbella to Humour the Blanket

Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt!

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see
what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Science tells us that sound will not travel through a vacuum, so why is my Hoover so loud?

While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me started screaming,
"Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!"
Someone asked, "Are you sick?"
"No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school."

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you
lose your house.

Your call is important to us, but not important enough for us to hire enough people to answer the phone.

Police and the Rabbit. From Russell.
The German, the American, and the Swedish police are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. A test is arranged where a rabbit is released into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The Swedish police goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The American police goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The German police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'

Ties. From JDR.
A man was walking in the desert, desperately needing a drink. As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel. He asked the man if he had somthing to drink. The man on the camel said
"No,but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?"
"No!" the first man replied. "Are you crazy? I need somthing to drink, not a tie!"
So the man on the camel rode on & the walking man continued his slow & very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a Cantina. With a sense of relief, he approached the doorman at the Cantina & said
"Thank God I made it! can I go inside & get some water?"
The doorman frowned down at our hero & said
"Not without a tie!"

The Cabbie and the Nun. From Nicky.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a long passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Holloween Party".

S&M. From Orchid.
One day while Mom was cleaning her son's room, she found a S&M magazine hidden in the back of the closet. Unsure of how to, or even whether to, confront her son, she waited until the father came home, and showed it to him. He flipped through the magazine and then handed it back to her without a word.
Impatiently, she prompted him, "Well!? What should we do about this?"
"Well," her husband muttered hesitantly, "I don't think you should spank him."

The Man and his Wife. From Tall Paul.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend, (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

His and Hers. From Anita.
Her story.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the colour. Maybe I should never wear this colour again either. The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
His story.
Shitty day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.

I want a divorce. From Mike.
A fabulously wealthy husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says,
"Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was just my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce!"
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember our prenuptial agreement... if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Cadillac or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Understanding God. From Alex.
A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him,
"God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered, " A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."

The little old lady. From Splurge.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets?* What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. " You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.* He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer.
"I bet you the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Are these lines straight or what? From Eddie.
Straight lines!?

Is the center circle moving? From Eddie.
Still moving

George Carlin Theory. From Tall Paul.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that? A bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

Ha Ha

Nice Condom Shot. From Ross.
Bob and Jack were teeing off on the long par 5 seventh hole. Bob decided he was going to reach the green in two and took such a cut at the ball that he almost fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and bouncing into the fairway about 150 yards out.
Jack: "Nice condom shot."
Bob: "What's a condom shot."
Jack: "Safe, but doesn't feel good."

The Bell Ringer. From Dad.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!".
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death on the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

(Wait for it.)

(It's worth it.)

He's a dead ringer for his brother.


Mr Men	Sexo Seguro	Story Signs
From Yug	From Daniel	From Nicky


Boyfriend Remote	Pals	Mechanica
From Nicky	From Nicky	From Nicky and Nigel


Nude Skydiving	Best Friends	Toro Close Shave!
From Buzz	From Paul	From Binks


Insideout	Driving School	Clamped
From Pepe	From Dee	From Hinsh


Six Bills	A la Cut	Sperm Bank
From Paul	From Kiwi	From Nigel

Marbella to the Blanket. Have a laugh and send virtual postcards from Marbella to humour your friends.


Two famous images of Albert Einstein.
From The Saint.