Marbella to Humour Wonder Woods

Click on an image to 'Blow it up!' Or as a postcard to a friend.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it!

Why the helmet?	You are here	A little tipsy	Necessary comfort
From Natalie Cameron	From Doggy Do	From Dave	From Natalie Cameron

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Wind down car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6 Wind up window.
7 Drive away.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back and align car window to machine.
3 Re-start stalled engine.
4 Wind down window.
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat and locate card.
6 Replace contents of bag. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
8 Open car door and walk to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9 Insert card.
10 Re-insert card right way up.
11 Open handbag, find diary, find PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
15 Enter amount of cash required.
16 Retrieve cash and receipt. Walk to car.
17 Open handbag, locate purse and place cash inside.
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19 Re-check make-up, start car.
20 Drive forward 2 metres, stop car.
21 Reverse 2 metres to cash machine.
22 Retrieve card.
23 Open handbag, locate purse, place card into the slot provided.
24 Re-check make-up.
25 Restart stalled engine and pull away.
26 Drive for five minutes.
27 Release hand brake.


The price of a brain. From Lisa Reichelt.
At hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded,
"A female brain goes for $2,000. A male brain costs $5,000." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why does the male brain cost so much more?" The doctor smiled at her and then said to the entire group,
"It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."


Men and Women. From Carie_blue.

What A Woman Says:
This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What A Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW


Postman Pat. From Julian Shearer.
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged, thanked and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque of 500.
The family at the second house presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whiskey.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde in lingerie. She took him by the hand and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the beautiful blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a steaming cup of tea. As she was pouring, he noticed Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you, so I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.' ......... the breakfast was my idea."


Definitions. From Yuggles.

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \e-klips'\:
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\:
Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.


Great Thinkers of Our Time? From NutBush.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign .

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents .

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Former French President Charles De Gaulle.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
A congressional candidate in Texas.

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle.

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
General William Westmoreland.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle.

(6/16/98) And just the other day, our boy Dan Quayle was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...

Things to do in a lift. From Rachel Lee.
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, thenscream, That's mine!"
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Tell people that you can see their aura.
Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Gotenough air in there?"
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, withoutgettingoff.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,"You're oneof THEM" and back away slowly.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."